Is Rape Serious?

A friend passed this article on to me and it really is a great piece about the seriousness of rape. Nicholas Kristof, author of the Op-ed, focuses on how our criminal justice system has deemed the crime of rape as trivial by leaving countless rape kits untested. He shares a story about a suspect that sexually assaults two more victims while the rape kit of his first victim remains unprocessed.

To many of us working in the field of Sexual Violence Prevention this story is all too familiar and we are very aware of how often these undetected rapists will strike again before being caught. Still, the statistics in this article struck me in the wake of the "Swine Flu" scare (less than 5,000 victims) which has recently been elevated to pandemic status despite the fact that influenza (aka, "the common flu") continues to infect more people (200,000 victims) and is responsible for more flu-related deaths. What catches my eye at the moment is how sexual violence, by comparison, is a far more wide spread problem in that there are nearly a million victims worldwide each year (including 1 in 3 women and 1 in 6 men in the United States), yet, it remains one of the lowest priorites to be dealt with as shown in Kristof's article.

When will we take rape seriously?

Another installment of a feel good story: "A Journal for Jordan"

A friend recently told me the story behind this journal which was explained to me as a father to son version of "PS I love you" -- which I have no problem admitting that I actually liked the movie (even though I never read the book). I was immediately taken in by the fact that a parent, especially a father, had the foresight to write down everything that he wanted his child, in this instance a son, to know just in case he was not around to teach him.

What a daunting task! I recently have become a parent and can not even began to imagine all the things that I would want to write down in such a journal to make sure my son would know, just in case I'm not around to teach him. I also can not imagine how this father was able to write such a work of love under the pressure of war, where the harshest realities of life are continually on display.

I went to the local bookstore to read more and found that the book leans more towards telling the love story between the parents than advice giving between father and son. Many people on Amazon have given bad reviews because of this fact. But, I got to tell you that a father that professes a legacy of love for his partner might be leaving behind some of the best advice his son will ever receive. Sure, there are a lot practical things to teach a 2 year old before they become an adult. However, I am certain that the most practical thing for a young man to learn is how to treat women in his life with love, equality, admiration, and respect.

Without his father in his life to model these essential characteristics as an emotional coach, what more for his father to do then to write his personal journey to manhood in a journal to his son? We need more young men to learn these things and more fathers to mentor the young men in their lives about why loving and honoring women in their life is so important.

Feel good story of the day: The real hero was the man inside the costume

Too often in doing this line of work I get bogged down by story after story that fit in my file entitled "Worst Stories Ever". Positive stories that promote healthy and safe visions of masculinity come few and far between. So I wanted to take advantage of a this feel good story when I had the chance despite the awful video retelling of the story on Rachel Maddow's Show.

There's so much I like about this story: a fireman having super hero costumes at the station to connect with kids on their level; this man's patience and emotional attunement to hear and meet this child's needs; and his recognition and insight that there was a connection between the child's risky behavior and the fear/anxiety the child was experiencing in separating from mom for a first day of school.

Wouldn't it be great if this sort of response was normative behavior by men and not just in their relationships with youth but also with men and women in their life as well (costume not included, unless you need it to act like that)?

Upcoming Events: April is SAAM

In case you did not know, April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM). MOCSA is taking part this year in the calendar events listed below but I wanted to highlight three as great ways men can be involved:

1) Sunday April 5th the Kansas City Wizards are playing host to the San Jose Earthquakes and will be honoring SAAM by having their players sign "Men As Allies" pledges as well as filming a YouTube about the pledge. For ticket infomation please visit the Kansas City Wizards online ticket office.

2) Saturday April 25th, Kansas City Free Health Clinic (KCFree) and Phi Beta Sigma Fraternity, Inc., are co-sponsoring a 3 on 3 basketball tournament and health fair at the Niles Home for Children called "Call the Shots". The tournament for youth 13-18 years old will run from 1-4pm. Food and prizes will be awarded to the winners! At the tournament, the Kansas City Free Health Clinic, Good Samaritan Project and the Kansas City Health Department will offer FREE STD and HIV TESTING to persons age 13+. Incentives will be offered to those who test.

3) Tuesday April 28th, MOCSA & the YWCA of Kansas City, KS, will be having their 2nd annual "Speaking Out: Empowerment Through The Spoken Word" poetry event at 7:30pm. Poetry is not for everyone, but I can tell you firsthand from taking in the event last year that there is something freeing and inspiring in hearing men and women speak out against sexual violence from the stories of their own life experience.

Other events on the MOCSA Calendar include the following:

Thursday April 2nd
2009 Crime Victim’s Rights Art Show
Johnson County Central Library, 4pm-6pm

Saturday April 4th
Create Your Own Reality: Free of Sexual Violence
Gifted Hands, Crown Center 6pm-9pm

Sunday April 5th
Wizards Game
Community America Ball Park 2pm-4pm

Tuesday April 7th
Take Back the Night
UMKC 6:30pm

Thursday April 16th
Community Festival
Harmon High School 6pm-7:30pm

Saturday April 18th
Health Fair
Paseo Baptist Church 10am-2pm

Saturday April 18th
Rock Out- Reach Out Benefit Concert
Crosstown Station 6pm – 11pm

Saturday April 18th
Walk a Mile in her Shoes
Liberty High School 8:30am

Saturday April 25th
KCFree 3 on 3 Basketball Tourney “Call the Shots”
Niles Home for Children 1pm-4pm

National Crime Victims Week
April 26th through May 2nd

Tuesday April 28th
Speak Out: Empowerment through Spoken Word
YWCA of Greater KC 7pm-9:30pm

Thursday, April 30th
Women’s Political Caucus Discussion
The Writer’s Place 7pm

Please come out and join us in any and all of these events as we step up and speak out against sexual violence in the Kansas City community.

"What would you do?"

ABC's Primetime has recently decided to play mad scientist by attempting to cross reality TV with social experimentation (throwing in a little “candid camera” and possibly “Punk’d”) in order to ask the age old question of staged situations, “What would you do?”

If you click the link, you can view the video of a man putting something into, presumably, his date’s drink and watch the reactions of two sets of couples (a couple of friends and a husband/wife couple). According the comments section on Jezebel’s website, this staged situation has caused quite a stir and rightfully so, as the reactions of ‘innocent bystanders’ leaves a lot to desired.

My favorite comment, by far:
“Ugh. I hate this show…These shows seem to set out to prove that the world is full of assholes when in reality it’s only about 60% assholes.”

Six of 10 of us being assholes is still a huge problem if you ask me. The more pressing concern I have in the “What would you do?” videos is that neither of the three men (two friends or the husband) respond pro-socially to the situation.

There are several things I want to ask them as well as the two actors of how they interpret these inactive bystanders’ behaviors. Do the male bystanders believe its ‘someone else’s problem’, ‘not a problem’, or simply fail to act because they are unsure how to help? Does the actor playing the perp feel emboldened in his role by the way the first two ally themselves with him? Was it easier to thwart the confrontation of the wife because the husband was not doing anything? What’s going through the actress’s mind in the way the first two guys respond? Was she surprised that the husband never said or did anything considering how outspoken his wife was?

Unfortunately, I think we can rule out any optimism with the first two guys as they not only do not see it as a problem, they actually support the potential perpetrator (“asshole”). Maybe if there was one more man that was present that raised concern they might have acted differently. I would like to have seen how they would have responded but it appears that they were in “save face among other men” mode -- a common, albeit ignorant, response by men abiding by the rules of homosociality (the idea of revering men above women in any given situation). There’s also the high likelihood that they were assholes themselves as their behaviors were basically cheering on the perp.

What could be said of the husband? His wife was actually speaks out, however, instead of supporting her he has a dismissive look of his face as if to say “what are you thinking?” “Why would you involve us with her lot?” “Oh no, here we go again…” He smiles and appears relieved when he finds out it was all part of a show, but it comes off as lackluster and very disappointing for he neither supports his wife or the victim.

These scenarios obviously bring up issues of bystander effect, group inhibition, and diffusion of responsibility but there’s also something going on here with men, in particular, that needs to be questioned. Several studies have shown that women are more likely to intervene as bystanders than men no matter the victim or the situation. What’s going on in men that, put in situations like this, we don’t perform bravely? Rather, we choose to not see it as dangerous nor take any personal responsibility? What do these men gain in not intervening? Would they have responded differently if they were at the bar alone, or if other men at the bar had expressed concern about the situation? What would you have liked to seen these men do in response?

What would you have done?

3 videos, 3 questions

1) How does gender stereotypes portrayed in all the media forms (TV, magazine, music, video games, movies, etc) from child- to adult-hood affect you?

2) Is it unfair to connect these three videos to a hidden agenda of media culture not only in pointing towards the trend of child exploitation for future product consumption but also the messages they are selling to get our "buy-in" to these characterizations of femininity and masculinity for the purpose of relational power and control, misogyny, and misandry?

3) How do we break free of these to promote healthier and safer ads for future generations?

Walk A Mile In Her Shoes

Being mindful of the daily experience of many women in this country as the overwhelming majority of victims of sexual harassment and sexual assault is not an easy task while walking uncomfortably in high heels across a college campus. This, however, was the challenge several men took on during UMKC’s second annual “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes” march. Of course men in high heels is an awkward sight, but on this day it was an opportunity for men, including myself, to get a better understanding and appreciation of women’s experience as well to provide a greater perspective by broadening our awareness. It was a march of solidarity as men came together to show their willingness to support those affected by and those that take a stand against sexual violence.

In my personal experience with this march, I found friends and family members curious but also quick to poke fun due to the uncomfortable topic (sexual violence) as well as the idea of participating by donning a pair of heels themselves. Frankly, I’m not surprised by their reactions as society, in general, are embarrassed by men taking on feminine stereotypes and would prefer to keep the issues of sexual harassment and sexual violence hidden and voiceless. Even among families and friends there is space to discuss the economic crisis, the presidential race, the energy crisis, or the United States foreign policy. But many would prefer to pay lip service or simply brush under the carpet issues dealing with race, poverty, violence and sexual violence.

The opportunity to take part in this march did provide me with the courage to probe deeper with friends and family in discussing how we can improve gender relations and decrease potential violence in our community. Several of these conversations led to places that I never imagined – both good and bad – but all led to greater understanding of the importance of ending sexual violence in our community and our role, as men, in that struggle. I’m hopeful that this was the experience of many of the participants of UMKC’s march as well as those that participate in the over 1000 other “Walk A Mile In Her Shoes” across the country.

David Belt
Man Up! Program Coordinator

Upcoming Event: Walk a Mile in Her Shoes

Men: Are you interested in taking a small step in becoming an active bystander? Want to show women and other men how you walk the walk as an ally in the struggle to end sexual violence? Ever wonder what it's like to wear heels? Do I have the event for you...Come join us at UMKC for the annual Walk A Mile In Her Shoes event on Thursday September 25th at 4pm. For more information about the event, please proceed to UMKC's Women Center...

Needed: Active Male Bystanders

The web can be a wonderful resource to get a read on how our society views a variety of issues. Recently, while searching YouTube for PSAs on sexual violence I came across this video of a man reflecting on his personal experience of witnessing a friend at a party in the process of an attempted rape and how he responded. I recommend watching it even though it is a bit long and drawn out.



Whether this guy's story is true or not matters little to me in comparison to what this video does for men as it calls into question our responsibility towards victims in situations even when a friend is a perpetrator. This man might not think of his friend in those terms -- even though he does call "the girl" a victim -- but, regardless, he intervened because he felt he needed to.

I do not advocate violence but I am happy to hear some men feel this strongly about sexual violence and choose to involve themselves as an active bystander rather than remain silent for "his boy". Silence is NOT golden in these situations. If you read the comment section on YouTube following the video, there are several survivors reporting they wished a man like him was actively present when they were victims of rape. Our world needs more men that are willing to take responsibility and intervene with the sexism, harassment, or sexual violence of their peers.

What do you think? If you are a guy, put yourself in his shoes at that party and consider how you would respond? How will you respond the next time you hear or witness friends making sexist remarks about others, behaving disrespectfully or attempting to take advantage of someone under the influence?

Why are men so violent?

I have been engaging in an ongoing conversation with a friend about violence and men and he flat out asked, “Why are men so violent?” The question became a springboard for a greater dialogue with my friend and others and I thought it would be an interesting post to our Blog. So, with his permission, we are putting this question out here and creating space for some open dialogue. We would be interested in hearing what you think or how you would respond to such a question and ask that you would participate in our dialogue by posting in the comments section.

If you think this is an unfair question, consider a small sample of the overwhelming stats that validate the need to ask this question…

*Nearly one-third of American women (31 percent) report being physically or sexually abused by a husband or boyfriend at some point in their lives, according to a 1998 Commonwealth Fund survey.[The Commonwealth Fund, Health Concerns Across a Woman’s Lifespan: 1998 Survey of Women’s Health, May 1999]

*99.8% of the people in prison convicted of rape are men.
[National Crime Statistics]

*The majority of victims of men's violence are other men (76% Males, 24% Females).
[U.S. Department of Justice, Bureau of Justic Statistics]

*Forty percent of girls age 14 to 17 report knowing someone their age who has been hit or beaten by a boyfriend.[Children Now/Kaiser Permanente poll, December 1995]

*A nationwide survey found male students more likely to have been involved in a physical fight than female students in the 12 months preceding the survey.[http://www.4woman.gov/mens/violence/]

*In 2003 men 15-19 years of age were more than four times as likely to die from suicides as girls their same age.
[http://www.4woman.gov/mens/violence]

*Of all the homicides reported in the 18 to 24 age group in 2004, 86 percent of the victims were males.[http://www.4woman.gov/mens/violence]

It begs the question, "Why are men so violent?"

Because you're not that guy...

Have you seen these commercials?



The number of gender-limiting messages we receive through commercials on a daily basis is mind-blowing. Obviously, commercials are meant to tell us to think a certain way in order to persuade us to buy a product, but when we allow it to shape our mindsets, attitudes, and behaviors it can be really dangerous. You might disagree with me or think that I have over-analyzed this commercial, but I think the limited emotional ability of men this commercial presents is absolutely destructive to masculinity and femininity and relationships.

I would invite you to view it again and really consider what messages are being covertly sent about "that guy" and "regular guys" and what it is saying, in general, about what it means to be in healthy relationships.

I would also invite you to consider the following questions: Is there really something wrong about being "that guy"? Is he any less of a man for painting her nails? What's wrong with being that genuinely in-tune with your partner? Is it really necessary to call out that guy's masculinity because he chooses to invest time in becoming more intimately known with what his partner really desires rather than merely investing money in a materialistic gift? What kind of message does this send to young men and boys about the “acceptable” way to act? Which guy do you prefer "that guy" or the "the regular guy"? Do we have to be only one or the other?

David Belt
Man Up! Coordinator

Fathers, Husbands, Brothers, and Sons – “ManUp!” needs you!

If you have a Mother, a Wife, a Daughter, and a Sister– chances are you know someone VERY intimately who has been sexually assaulted or will be in their lifetime.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Think about that for a minute….how would you react if you found out your Mom or your Wife or you Sister or even your own Daughter for God’s sake were assaulted sexually?!

Often times, what men do when they hear that someone close to them has been sexually molested is figure out a way to go find the perpetrator who was responsible and kick his ass. I know, because that’s exactly what I wanted to do when I found out someone close to me had been molested and the perpetrator was my very own brother! I spent one solid day trying to figure out where my brother was after he admitted to his assaults – so I could transport myself to wherever he was and physically beat him to a pulp! My brain was dominated by revenge and little else. I call this the rage and revenge response.

Another way men react when they hear someone close to them has been sexually assaulted is to shake their heads, drop their eyes to the floor, and think “what a damn shame!”, “what a freak”, etc. For lack of a better label, I will call this the “disgust and disassociate” reaction.

The problem with this reaction is two-fold. First – it’s a misconception to think that men who sexually assault women and other men are “bogey men jumping out from behind bushes late at night”. Most men who perpetrate such crimes come right from the general fabric or our society. And most times, the perpetrators of such crimes are men the victim knows extremely well already – a family friend, a trusted coach, a confident of some sort, counselor, neighbor, etc. Secondly – by shaking our heads, staring at floors, and thinking “what a shame”, Men absolve themselves into thinking sexual assault is isolated freak-show behavior. And sexual assault is NOT isolated, it happens to 1 in 4 women, and it happens by someone who’s generally already in a relationship of some sort. The laundry list of perpetrators could read like a who’s who of various professions coming from a wide array of socio-economic backgrounds, etc.

What’s missing in these two over-riding reactions (rage/revenge and disgust/disassociate) from men about sexual assault is accountability. We tend to think of sexual assault as a women’s issue instead of what it is – a MAN’S issue. Men are the perpetrators of sexual assault 97% of the time in America. Yet, so many of the “good guys” who are disturbed by sexual assault sit on the sidelines and continue to display the same two reactions over and over – rage/revenge or disgust/disassociate. I would submit to you the only way we can decrease the chances that one of our loved ones will be assaulted is to start having some serious guy to guy talk. More appropriately – some man to man talk about sexual assault, about healthy relationships, about boundaries, date rape, drug and alcohol facilitated rape, etc. We need to be real with each other about why “going for that extra base” to put sex into a baseball analogy is so dangerous, so unhealthy and can lead to a sexual assault more times than not.

And if you think you don’t intimately know any woman close to you who’s been a victim, here’s something else to consider…..even if your Mom/Wife/Sister/Daughter has been abused sexually, there’s a great chance they haven’t told many people, including YOU about it for a variety of reasons. One – they might fear you would respond the same way I did when I found out my brother was a rapist, intent on physical revenge. Second – they might feel a very twisted sense of responsibility which if you actually spend time investigating this issue you would know is complete B.S.! Lastly – the victim might feel like it would damage how YOU would feel about them in some way. Somehow, someway – you might actually place some misguided blame their way. Worse yet, the victim might feel you would label them "tainted" by the sexual assault and create some distance in your relationship with them.

If you have four women in your life who you love, it’s time to take up for them and no longer sit idle. 1 in 4 is a crisis on par with any bad thing you can think of happening to a loved one whether it be cancer or drunk driving. I encourage more men to get involved in ManUp! Please come forward and help us to start pushing the statistics back the other way, it’s time to get real with each other about what the phrase “be a man” actually means.

Matt Sharples
Man Up! Committee Board Member

Pink Power

I was at Target the other day returning a shirt that didn’t fit and noticed an entire rack of pink button downs in the Men’s Wear section. It reminded me of a story that I recently read about a group of male high school students that bullied and sexually harassed another male student solely for wearing a pink shirt. What was newsworthy about this incident were the responses of two senior class boys and the use of pink shirts as a part of a creative campaign ("Sea of Pink") against bullying and sexual harassment. They rallied other students to wear pink and used this “feminized” color as a unifying element to show their solidarity against the bullies.


What really struck me about their campaign was that it didn’t appear they knew the victim of the incident but they still felt the need to actively respond in a show of support and encourage their friends to do the same by wearing pink shirts the next school day. It is so encouraging to read about how people, especially young men, are speaking out and taking a stand against sexual harassment and bullying. It is equally powerful to share that their activism proved to make a difference in the victim’s life and their corporate disdain put the bullies on notice that such inappropriate behavior would no longer be socially acceptable. Their story has also inspired me to purchase a pink shirt and share their activism with others as a way to honor how these bystanders made a difference.

I'm curious what effect this story will have on you. Will you look at men wearing pink shirts differently? If you are a man, will you consider wearing pink and share this story with your friends? Or given the opportunity as a bystander, will you speak out and take a stand against sexism, violence, and sexual violence?

David Belt
Man Up! Coordinator

Football, Women, and “Cat Calls”

My girlfriend went to a Kansas City Chiefs football game a few weeks ago. She loves going to the games and seeing all the people dressed in Chief’s red, experiencing the love and passion this town has for its football team.

On this particular day, she decided to bring her kids. She has three - two boys (14 and 12) and a girl (9). She has recently divorced and was longing to partake in some more “family bonding time”. She looked forward to showing her kids how much fun a game could be at Arrowhead Stadium, with all the tailgating and camaraderie.

Now, I’ll preface this with – my girlfriend is very attractive. She’s outwardly a person most would notice. Secondly, like most women, my girlfriend believes that women need to be very “careful” about the clothing one chooses to wear in certain situations. She holds onto the popular and much believed myth that if a woman wears certain things – she is communicating a desire to be approached or looked at…gawked at even. So on this day, she purposely wore a turtle neck top and jeans. She dressed conservative for a reason. She went to the game with a girl-friend of hers and her son. This other gal is also an outwardly attractive gal.

The day was supposed to be fun. It was a day she invested in her kids – bought tickets from a friend, paid for parking, food, drinks, etc. And if you go to games, you know this is not a small investment for most. The cost was over $300 for sure on this particular day. For her – it was worth every penny to have some bonding time with her kids and watch her beloved Chiefs.

After they parked their car, the six of them made their way to the stadium through the various Chief’s tailgaters. Both gals, even as they walked hand-in-hand with their young children became aware that with each passing tailgate, they were being gawked at. Starred at in a way that was evident they were being looked at for their various parts more than anything else. As they got closer to Arrowhead, a few different men decided to make comments. “You are a MILF!” one person shouted. “Man – look at those….very nice!” another man would comment as they passed his tailgate, “…show ‘em!” another person shouted at them from a distance.

My girlfriend’s mood changed. Her kids looked at her as if she had done something wrong. She kept walking….up to the Arrowhead entrance. Once in, the various comments got even more forward. Men who would pass by and look directly at their breasts saying things like “wow”, “what are you doing after the game”, “I could get lost in those!” My girlfriend was walking with her head down now, trying not to make eye-contact with anyone who passed by. As they all arrived at their seats, there was a fairly large contingent of men sitting directly in front of them who all immediately took notice and decided it was okay to chime in as well. They looked back and starred – saying in full volume “what a MILF!” “THOSE are tremendous”, “nice cans!” Thorough the game, one or more of them would turn around and stare at my girlfriend and her friend. Looking at each of them up and down – as if they were on display.The comments got more forward and crude as the game ensued …and the more alcohol was consumed.

The kid’s eyes told my girlfriend all she needed to know. The day was ruined. It was going to be a day off one verbal sexual comment (assault) after the next. A day where her kids looked at her, fully knowing what the term “MILF” meant and wonder…why did she bring them to the game? My girlfriend felt awful – she felt like she should have known better – taking the blame for thinking a Chiefs game would be a good “family event”. She grabbed her 9-year old daughter and put her on her lap, to try and further hide her breasts from any onlookers. It wasn’t fun, the day was a disaster. More comments would come and even a few propositions – even as her children flanked both her sides.

The term MILF comes from the movie “American Pie” and if you’re not familiar with it - it means MOM I’D LIKE to FUCK. The term seems to have made its way into an acceptable slang term – replacing terms like “Fox”, etc.

Guys – when exactly did this behavior become okay? Why is it that attending pro football games is now a pass for saying whatever you want and treating pretty women with super-sized masculine and abusive acts? How would you feel if someone walked directly up to your Mom and said they’d like to fuck her? What if someone did that to your daughter? Your Sister, Cousin, Grandmother, Girlfriend, Wife? How would that make you feel? When did it become okay to stare women’s breasts and then make comments about them for all to hear? When did “show your tits” become an acceptable chant? Why is it funny to say such ludicrous things even if it’s in jest? Why would you let your buddy do this even if you don’t engage in this kind of over-zealous masculine chest-thumping yourself? Why is this behavior becoming standardized for pro football venues? And if you think I’m over-reacting, consider this article…"Halftime Ritual" from the New York Times.

It’s time for good guys to take a true stand and make this kind of behavior “not cool”. Drunk or not, people need to understand how damaging this kind of behavior is. We also need to wake up and see how prevalent this kind of activity is – this is just one example, I have heard hundreds more and it makes me sick. Is it too much to ask that we don’t start taking the kinds of things we see on television and start normalizing them into our society? Is it too much to ask that an attractive gal could go to a Chiefs game and not be assaulted with one crude comment after the next – WITH HER KIDS NO LESS?!

Come on guys – wake the f*ck up!

Matt Sharples

The Big “Pictionary”: One Female’s Perspective

When I think about what I want to say in a blog designed to get men active in the fight to end sexual violence, I find myself stumped. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I don’t know how to say it.

So, let me start with this: I have been blessed to have had some wonderful men in my life- kind, caring, generous, good fathers, husbands and friends. Men who would never dream of “taking advantage” of a woman or girl, just because the opportunity arises. Men who think rape is despicable and who would never physically harm a woman or girl. These men offer their female friend or acquaintance a ride home or a place to sleep if she’s had a bit too much to drink. They do this NOT to “get some”, but to actually make sure she is safe for the night.

So, what’s the problem? The problem is that these men live in a world filled with excuses to objectify, degrade, make fun of, think less of, not take seriously….the women they exist with. They live in a world were this type of thinking is rewarded, and if they want to thrive in the world they live in (or so it may seem) they are to encourage, applaud, laugh, or at the very least just stay silent.

Let me give an example. I have several friends who are men. I’ve known them for years. We play co-ed sports together, we socialize, celebrate birthdays, have bar-be-ques, etc. I would consider these guys, in general, good guys, but often find myself picking my battles around some of them when it comes to their sexist jokes and derogatory or sexual comments about other women (most frequently having to do with her appearance).

One evening a female friend of ours hosted a bar-be-que at her condo. There were about 25 people there, five or six of whom were female, the rest of the group was made up men, a few of which were my friends and the rest were friends of friends. As the night progressed the group decided to play Pictionary, which was fun for awhile until one of the guys, who was actually a friend of mine, decided to draw a picture of what turned out to be a “donkey punch”. There was an immediate roar of laughter and energy from the crowd when the guys figured out what he was drawing. Like some of you reading this, I had never heard of a donkey punch. Apparently, this sexual act, which these guys (some my friends) were so excited about, is a very violent and degrading act. It involves punching a woman in the back of her head to make her pass out in order to increase the climax for him.

From this point on, the guys were practically fighting to take their turn at the drawing board, to illustrate other “funny” sex acts that were listed in a recent Maxim magazine. These acts involved urinating on a woman, putting feces on her face…and the list goes on.

This was the first time I have ever felt unsafe around men who were supposed to be my friends. I turned to one of them, whom I was most disappointed that he was laughing, and his response to me was “come on, Nicole, you don’t think I’d ever do any of these things”. My response was “How would I know by the way you’re laughing?” I asked him if he could guarantee me the rest of these men wouldn’t do such things. He didn’t respond. I mean if they are so excited about these images and are encouraging it to continue, how do I know that these men aren’t violent towards the women they are with? If they could be this disrespectful to women, in the presence of women, in the HOME of a woman, how do I know they won’t act on it?

When I started to say anything to the group, then I was just “that girl” who can’t take a joke, who needs to relax. Not ONE man acknowledged that this was, at the very least, disrespectful to the women in the room. The women who are supposed to be their friends.

I was afraid of the energy in the room. I was afraid because I knew that I was out numbered, that every woman in the room was out numbered by 4 to 1. I was afraid of my friends and, even more so, their friends.

And then I was PISSED that I had to feel this way at all. I WAS WITH FRIENDS! People who are supposed to take care of each other. People who you are supposed to feel the safest with.

I was pissed because that’s when I realized just how easy it is for sexual assaults to happen. It’s because of attitudes like these that cheer on sexual violence as a joke. It’s because the draw to join in on this “bonding” experience was apparently too strong for any of the men in the room to resist. I was scared and pissed because if one or more of these men decided to find a way to get one of the females, myself included, isolated and rape her, then she would be deemed at fault. “She should have known it wasn’t safe.”, “What did she have that many guys in her house for?”, “Why would she go to a party with mostly guys?”, “She drank some alcohol that night” “She put herself in that situation”.

And then I got sad. Luckily, these men did not sexually assault anyone at this party…but they did successfully reduce the women in the room to an inanimate object that they could fashion to look like and endure whatever they wanted on the pages of the Pictionary board. They did successfully instill fear, distrust and a loss of respect for the very men that I called friends.

I got sad because the voices of the women in the room were silenced. The voices of the women were silenced so much so that I saw at least one laughing right along. I was the only one trying to speak out, and I was dismissed.

I was sad because I know some of these men left to go out and proceed to sexually harass every woman who happened to cross their path. They did it just because they can and because there’s a social reward for doing so. I know. I witness it first hand just about every day.

I was sad because, though I believe my friends and most of the other men would not do these things they were illustrating, I knew that more than likely there were men in the room who just might if they had the chance. They just might, and now they have the support and encouragement from my friends to do so.

I was sad for the loss of respect I previously had for these men and for the loss of perceived respect I thought they had for me. In writing this blog, I realize that I have since never attempted to bring this up to the two men I was closest to. I imagine if I talked to them one on one, outside of the power of the group, that they would listen and possibly rethink their behavior. I guess, because no one seemed to care that night, I never thought to try.

I continue to have men in my life who I admire. Men who do speak up, who don’t join in when other men are degrading or objectifying women. Men who understand the stake they have in challenging these attitudes and behaviors. Like me, they sometimes have to choose their battles, but they know that they have the power to do something. They can remove the social reward for these things and make respect for women and each other the new norm. The bottom line is that I should NOT have to assume that I’m not safe with my friends, just because they are men! That’s not okay for my sake or for the sake of the men I care about…The men who Man Up!

Man Up! is asking men to take action, to remove the social reward for degrading, harassing and objectifying women.

Nicole Littler
MOCSA Director of Community Services & Evaluation

Don’t blame it on her clothes!

I was at lunch today with a long time friend and the conversation turned to my blog about the girl who was raped by her former boyfriend. (Please reference my previous entry for the story). My friend commented that his niece was date raped, sexually assaulted by a boy whom she was ‘group dating.’ They began their relationship by hanging out together with a group of friends and when they went on a solo date, ended up at his place and that was when things went wrong. There was no alcohol involved and it was a casual friendship up to this point. He took her to his apartment to see ‘his place’ and when they arrived her boyfriend sexually assaulted her. It was a sad story and because of it, his niece and her family still struggle with the life changing incident.

My friend said something in his story that I was shocked to hear. He said that in seeking spiritual guidance and reflecting on the incident, the minister suggested that maybe his niece was to blame. Maybe it was her attire or maybe the fact that she went to his apartment was the ‘unsaid’ agreement that she wanted sex.

I was flabbergasted by this comment and even more appalled that the myth exists that what a woman wears or the fact that she visits a man in his home is an agreement that she wants sex.

Let me digress but on point. In reflecting more on this misconception, I thought back on a previous event where I attended a Kenny Chesney concert. Behind me and my group of adult couple friends sat a mixed group of high school kids. The girls wore cowboy boots and short jean shorts or skirts. Yes I think they were short and even someone commented that extra material should be added to their skirt/shorts but if I were to ask the young women if they were inviting sex by what they wore, I know their responses would have been "no". They were trying to look fashionable, cool and they were having a fun time. That is why they were there. That is why they wore what they wore. So the notion that what a girl wears invites assault, invites rape, is twisted thinking. It places the blame exactly where it does not belong. The man rapes. What girls wear may show their attributes but it does not invite sex without consent.

The fact that spiritual counselors, adults, knowing people, try to place the blame on the assaulted and what they wear is wrong. Or to suggest that visiting a man in his home is an invitation to have sex is thinking out of the dark ages.

Men need to man-up for their actions. We need to tune-in that sex without consent is absolutely wrong. If some want to blame the provocative clothing then take on the fashion industry, take on Hollywood, but don’t blame the kids. The girls at the concert could have been in their underwear and though I’d give them the shirt off my back to cover them up, I’d say not one of them wants to be raped.

-Ken Mellard

Bystanders Must Stop Rapists

I listened today as a mother described her daughter's rape. She began by relating how her daughter got into a troubling relationship with a boy as an early teen, how her daughter was abused by the boyfriend, physically and verbally, how her daughter broke off the relationship, how her daughter dated a new guy who then became her boyfriend, how, when the new boyfriend broke it off, the old boyfriend lured her daughter to his home to 'help sort it out' and when she arrived the old boyfriend raped her while a friend of his watched.

As I listened to the account I felt my anguish grow for the girl, her parents, her brother and sister, and her friends. So too did my disgust grow for the rapist, the deviant, perverted rapist. But the boy I loathed most was the boy who watched and did nothing. He is the one I can't figure out. A rapist ends up in the penitentiary but what happens to the guy who hides and watches? Why do I despise this coward so much?

In a moment of self reflection I wonder if there is a piece of him in me. Like when I've turned a blind eye to the sexual antics of my male companions or when I’ve let slide the derogatory word or comment about women. When I’ve passed-on an email that degrades women to the point of being objects of sex and not human beings. When we, males, laugh and wink when a guy at a bar explains that he intends to get a woman drunk so he can have sex with her. These are all moments of weakness committed by the ‘innocent’ male bystander.

I do know that I loathed that young man because he did not have the guts to stand up and stop the rapist. It seems we, men, too often stand by with our hands in our pockets knowing that something might happen or does happen but our code says we shouldn’t say anything. Our code says we should laugh or worst case, we watch. We pat each other on the back while a guy's sister, another father's daughter, a mother's child becomes a victim of the big guy, the rapist, the man men don’t stand up to.

I felt the anguish of the mother today. I could see the hug she received from her daughter who once was a victim but who today has rebuilt, and constructed a new life. I also felt my anger toward the rapist and his buddy the onlooker, the ‘innocent’ bystander, the observer who did nothing. Was he a victim also? That guy needs to find his voice. He needs to stand. He needs to man-up as they say in sports and protect his corner of the world. We all need to man-up against men who rape.

I found in her story today another definition of heaven. Heaven would be knowing that a mother and a father never again have to relate a story like that about their child.

What can we do to stop the men who rape?

Ken Mellard

Attendee at the MOCSA Johnson County Fall Luncheon

The "B" word

Recently, I have been following the Isiah Thomas case in large part because I found myself fired up about what one ESPN radio host (Mike Tirico) said earlier this month about how “we all need to get over our sensitivities and deal with the fact that EVERY woman has been called a ‘bitch’ and it’s just a fact of life”. The host went on to explain how this word is not sexually harassing and that it is no more offensive to a woman than calling a man an “asshole”. Apparently, through this rant he was attempting to show his support of Thomas, who is being sued for sexual harassment, and much of the case has been made over Thomas’ verbal abuse of former Knicks' vice president, Anucha Brown Sanders. During his testimony in the case, Thomas reported that if he had overheard one of the white management calling a black woman a bitch it would have violated his code of conduct. But when asked how he would feel if a black man said it to a black woman he reported it would not bother him as much because he makes "a distinction" between the two.

I think it is interesting that he brings up race because in some senses he is putting the "B" word in its suitable context: calling a woman a bitch is more similar to making a racist comment than calling a man an “asshole”. Bitch is a dehumanizing term much like all racist comments and because one is comparing a woman to a female dog that is, in fact, making a sexist comment which by default is sexual harassment. I think the difficulty Tirico as well as Thomas (and most men, in general) have with understanding the harm of the word "bitch" is that we don’t realize that such terms fit into a larger context of attitudes, assumptions, behaviors, and beliefs that both support male dominance as well as what socially constructs the foundations of rape culture.

What do you think? Please vote in our poll on the right of the page and/or share a comment.

Who’s the real “Vick”tim?

There has been a lot of debate recently surrounding the Michael Vick story about his dog abuse, but very little of it has centered around the fact that often there are athletes beat, abuse, assault, and sometimes kill the women in their lives. More so, the consequences for these actions pale in comparison to what Vick will be sentenced to for his dog-fighting business.

Now hear me out, I'm not condoning Vick's behavior but I am calling to attention the fact that there are several professional, college, and probably high school athletes that are brutalizing women in their lives and are not being punished as severely. One recent article entitled "Beat a Woman? Play on; Beat a dog? You're gone." by Jennifer Korbin writer for womennews.org discusses the fact there have been many male athletes that have abused women in their lives and received nothing more than a proverbial slap on the wrist.

Which makes me wonder why we are so enraged that Vick beat and killed dogs all the while “looking the other way” when many more athletes harm women in their lives? How can we throw the book at Vick when some estimate that with the loss in salary for his suspension from NFL this year, Vick stands to lose over $100 million dollars and, yet, a domestic violence issue with NBA’s Ron Artest, amounted to him paying a mere $600 and a two game suspension? What is the message we are sending to the millions of youth that look up to professional athletes? Is it that women are valued less than dogs?

I’m reminded of some area college athletes who have abused women in their lives and how their Athletic Departments have overlooked their “indiscretions”. I could name several, but the one that really sticks out in my mind is the story of Lawrence Phillips, former Nebraska football player that was a standout running back during one of Hall of Fame Head Coach Tom Osborne’s final seasons. You can look up Phillips stats but basically he was well on the way toward being an All-American by his sophomore year and was in the running for the Heisman Trophy. Two weeks into his junior year, however, he got into an argument with his girl friend and the argument escalated with him physically assaulting her by dragging her down a stairwell by her hair. For this assault, Phillips received a mere two game suspension. His girlfriend was on scholarship to play basketball for Nebraska, she lost her scholarship during this period, and left Nebraska as she feared for her safety.

Coach Osborne and Nebraska’s Athletic Department took much scrutiny for the lackluster punishment. When asked about it, Coach justified his actions by reportedly saying that Phillips was better off with the team than without it. One press person took the questioning another step and asked Osborne if he would have reinstated Phillips had the Heisman Trophy contender beat up Osborne's daughter (for more on this story click here). In response, Osborne initially balked but later answered 'yes,' he would have allowed Phillips to play even if Lawrence had assaulted Osborne’s own daughter. Not the type of response one would expect from a man who formerly served as a congressman for the state of Nebraska.

Unfortunately, there are more stories like this one than like Vick’s out there and it is disturbing to consider how this affects women as well as the young athletes that worship these abusing, idolized, professionals. It is not the difference in fines and suspensions that I find as alarming as it is the attitudes within sports culture and by their fans that silently condone these violent behaviors toward women. With these attitudes they are not only implying that talent outweighs character, but also inconceivably suggesting that violence towards animals outweighs women "vick"tims of crime.

~David Belt

How far we've come — How far to go

There's a new television drama out this summer. It's called MAD MEN. It's about the world of Madison Avenue in the 1960's. Being in advertising, the buzz about the show started early. I was reading about it in Ad Age and AdWeek months before its debut. And while I was very interested in the subject matter — Advertising — I didn't expect to be captivated by the show.

I am.

The story line follows the lives of a number of people in 1960 New York. The advertising stories are interesting, but the most fascinating aspect of the show is the attention to detail the director has show toward the period. The 1960 office environment was significantly different than today's workplace. I had heard stories of this type of behavior, but had never really experienced it.

In the show, women are treated as supplicants. They exist to serve their husbands and/or bosses (not managers, bosses). They are treated as sexual objects, existing to serve the men in their lives, to bear children and to take care of the household. Sexual comments abound at the office, as does smoking and drinking during business hours.

I entered the world of advertising in 1982, close to the end of the three-martini lunch and overt sexual comments. The world was rapidly moving toward political correctness, sexual harassment awareness was coming into vogue and drinking and driving was becoming taboo.

Having missed the 60's and 70's advertising world, I decided to ask some older friends what it was like to work during those years.

I first asked Jim, a former creative director I worked with at a previous agency. He laughed when I asked the question, "What was the sexual environment like in the agency business in the 1960's?"

Jim said, "Oh, it was wild. When clients came to town they expected us to have women join us for dinner. Sometimes it was our secretaries. Other times they were call girls. We just put it on our expense reports as entertainment."

I found myself at lunch a few days later with my friend, Landa. She began in the agency business in the 60's and had been watching MAD MEN for a couple of weeks. When I asked her if the office environment was really like what the show depicts, she said, "Oh honey, it was much worse than that. On my first day, one of the men in the office came up to me and asked, 'Do you know the difference between a hamburger and a blow job?' I said, 'No.' He responded, 'Want to go to lunch?'"

We have come a long way since 1960. But we still have a long way to go. The attitudes men have toward women have been around for centuries, and while many men have come to understand the importance of seeing women as equal in both personal and professional endeavors, many more men continue to perpetuate the myth that women are somehow less than men.

Man Up! is dedicated to helping men come to understand the long-term effects unintentional comments and actions have on women. It is our goal to help men understand that being silent when other men make inappropriate comments does nothing to stem the tide of sexual degradation that women feel every day.

MAD MEN gives us a glimpse of where we were 47 years ago. But it also makes me wonder how far we have really come.

Sam Meers
MOCSA Board Member
Member of the Man Up! committee